My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
knights of the ikea table
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did