@badbanana: Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I've seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: So do you have any hobbies? SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor HER: What?! HIM: Just ventriloquism
@KenJennings: The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
@ElgatoEsmio: Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask? Me- you said lets do Yoda together H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE M- VERY WRONG I WAS
@Mike_Bianchi: To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell "what?" into a mirror over and over.