Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
In case you needed to hear it:
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.