Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*