Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Are you ok, human???
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen