“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Actually cracking up @ this
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk