“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
You Might Also Like
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee