BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
You Might Also Like
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Mad Max Arctic Road
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.