Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
New mindset, who dis?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.