Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Brother?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.