@ladybroseph: Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them
@clindsaysway: An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It's a wonder children can sleep at all.
@Cheeseboy22: I'm offended that horses don't put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
@TinaMav: My top 5 exercises: -jumping to conclusions -flying off the handle -carrying things too far -dodging responsibilities -pushing my luck