Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Welcome
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book