Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.