Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.