@ElmoYouNasty: Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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@JohnLyonTweets: The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.
@Insomniac_Medic: I'm going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
@novicefather: My wife said that if I lose my job, she's divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?