@ElmoYouNasty: Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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@squirrel74wkgn: *looks over shoulder* *puts tiny piece of paper in trash* Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
@mrtruthandsoul: The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars. Mars: I have a boyfriend
@vornietom: People who say "don't hate the player hate the game" are working under the wildly false assumption that I am unable to hate 2 things at once
@TheTweetOfGod: Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.