Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”