Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
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i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”