Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
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It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba