I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.