Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.