Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
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My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever