Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
You Might Also Like
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
i think both sides are to blame here
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My life coach traded me.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone