BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.