I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.