BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Happy Friday
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”