BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂