Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.