My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
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Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes