Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.