@ambamthankyamam: Bicyclists, it's one thing to hog the road, but it's quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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@Ideal_Victoria: Note to self: Next time your migraine specialist asks "How's your head?" Don't reply with "No man has ever complained."
@abbycohenwl: Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die? Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we'll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.