Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”