maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
put ‘er there pardner!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Body by cheese-puffs.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name