Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Stop it! 😂
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.