@hansmollman: Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I'll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
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@Fred_Delicious: wait did that Australian guy say "meteorite" or "mate are ya alright?" *gets hit by a meteorite* "hey mate are ya alri... no you're dead*
@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
@flavoredfetish: Crazy lady next to me forgot to take her meds, flipping out and shit. I hate seeing this. Just going to walk away from my mirror now.