@hansmollman: Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I'll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
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@TheEllenShow: I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
@Robinbuble: I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I'm dating Madonna now.
@ComedicBust: "These diet pills better work," I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.