Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.