Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”