bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Hitlers gonna hitl
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My boss called in sick of me
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster