I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears