I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
You Might Also Like
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
🍞🦆
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.