Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
lol
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school