Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
You Might Also Like
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I falcon love using swear birds
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Love this one 😂🧟
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.