Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.