Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
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magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”