Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
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Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.