Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
we all know this pain all too well
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.