Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
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checking out some reviews of my local library
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.