Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!