just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.