ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”