DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Sunday
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday