BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
(Jupiter –
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
me doing my best
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.