BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room