The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.