Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
good work, detective
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.